ADVENTURES IN THE BUDGET BIN: Roadside Nastiness

A REPORT BY MR. BISCUITS🐈

Dollar Tree stores are always interesting because, like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. And as it turns out, sometimes you don’t know what you’re gonna get just driving to Dollar Tree. 

Depending on how many are within convenient driving distance, you might notice Dollar Trees don't always carry the same things at the same time. One store is packed to the gills with pork rinds, while another is stocked with more “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs than there are actual dads living in town.

So when Mama Kitty suggested doing a grand tour of local Dollar Tree stores, I thought that was a fine idea, especially since the one closest to our home hasn’t stocked any new movies in months. After charting a course that would hit four different stores, off we went for our adventure with teenage daughter Lucy in-tow.

Dollar Tree baby doll....hours of fun and creepy as hell.

The first stop yielded a few interesting finds, none of which we actually needed (see above). I briefly considered buying myself a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug - because I’m sure my kids meant to get me one - but instead opted for a DVD copy of TRUMBO, starring Bryan Cranston as the title character, one of many Hollywood screenwriters who got blacklisted for refusing to testify before the House Un-American Activities Committee. I’ve yet to see a movie where Cranston wasn’t great and this one is no exception.

At the next store, Lucy nabbed a batch of art supplies, while Mama Kitty added to her collection of plastic containers, even though she still hasn’t found a use for the containers she grabbed during our last Dollar Tree visit. This store also had a shitload of  “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs, and it still didn’t occur to Mama Kitty or Lucy to gift me one. 

But I tempered my hurt feelings with a consolation prize…the 4-FILM SHARK COLLECTION, a Blu-ray containing Shark Attack, Shark Attack 2, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and Shark Zone. Sure, all four films are all kinds of shitty, but at the very least, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon features one of the all time great lines in shark movie history (maybe all movie history): “What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy.”  

While we waited in line with our purchases, I pondered whispering that line into Mama Kitty’s ear. If not the world’s greatest dad, surely I’d be worthy of a “World’s Most Romantic Hubby” mug.

But it was the drive to the next Dollar Tree that made this grand tour memorable…

From the backseat, Lucy suddenly shouted out, “Oh my God, look! There’s a dildo on the side of the road!” 

Slowing down as if witnessing a car accident, my jaw fell open. Sure enough, there was dildo on the side of the road. But not just any dildo. This was an anatomically-terrifying, 5-Dollar Footlong behemoth, so huge it probably required a car battery and NASCAR pit crew to operate. Not only that, it stood perfectly erect, as if reaching for the sky like the surrounding redwoods. Someone obviously took the time to plant it there, perhaps with the intention of emasculating any guy who happened to drive by. It sure as hell made me feel a little inadequate.

Censored for your protection (trust me).

I considered asking Lucy how she knew what a dildo looked like, momentarily forgetting she’s 19 and hasn’t spent her entire life in a convent. And even though it did look pretty lifelike, there was certainly no confusing this pink torpedo for the real thing. Not even horses carry such a beefy burden as this. And if anyone did, they’d undoubtedly earn a “World’s Greatest Male Specimen” mug.

At any rate, roadside dildos aren’t something one typically sees during a Dollar Tree excursion. It’ll take a little time to unsee that.