TWO
ON A GUILLOTINE (1964)
Starring
Connie Stevens, Dean Jones, Cesar Romero, John Hoyt. Directed by
William Conrad. (107 min)
ON
BLU-RAY FROM
Review
by Josey, the Sudden Cat😼
Those
of a certain age might recall William Conrad as the original Marshall
Dillon back when Gunsmoke was a radio drama. If you’re like
me, he was Detective Frank Cannon, while the following generation
probably remembers him as the D.A. in Jake and the Fatman.
But I’ll bet few of us were aware he was also a prolific
director.
Conrad
mostly worked behind the camera on television, but helmed a few
low-budget thrillers in the ‘60s, such as Two on a Guillotine.
Relatively obscure, the film won’t make anyone forget Alfred
Hitchcock – or even William Castle – but it has its moments.
The
best ones are provided by Cesar Romero, who isn’t in the film
nearly enough. Hamming it up as John Harley Duquesne, he’s a famous
magician who accidentally beheads wife Melinda (Connie Stevens)
during a guillotine trick. He dies 20 years later, but not before
vowing to return. Following the mother of all open casket funerals,
estranged daughter Cassie (also Stevens) inherits everything on the
condition that she can stay full week in Dad’s creepy old mansion.
 |
| "Of course it comes with the house." |
Echoing
House on Haunted Hill, the place is loaded with a variety of
terrors that frequently pop up in an apparent effort to scare her
away. Slimy reporter Val Henderson (Dean Jones) insinuates himself on
Cassie under the guise of a real estate agent, offering to
investigate who’s behind it while – of course – falling in love
with her.
We
spend a lot more time watching Cassie succumb to Val’s charm and
bad jokes than we really need to, especially a prolonged nightclub
scene where they gaze intensely into each other’s eyes. Personally,
I’ve never been able to take Connie Stevens seriously and perhaps
my formative childhood years keep me from accepting Jones as anything
but a gosh-darn Disney dad (I’m still trying to recover from his
Mengelesque turn in Beethoven). But Romero comes to the rescue
late in the story to bring things to an entertaining conclusion.
Two
on a Guillotine isn’t all that original or particularly
memorable and William Conrad more-or-less hung up his director’s
hat soon after. Still, for an economically made little potboiler, the
film sorta works if expectations are kept in-check (not that they’d
be all that high to begin with). One could also pair it up with Three
on a Meathook for a daffy double
feature.
KITTY CONSENSUS:
NOT BAD. LIKE CAT CHOW.
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