KITTEN KIBBLES: More Pet Peeves of a Movie Snob

"Stop, Jaws, stop!"

Jaws is NOT the name of the goddamn shark! It doesn’t have a name (though the crew referred to the mechanical shark as Bruce). Not a single character ever screamed, "Oh No! Here comes Jaws!" You don’t call Kevin Spacey’s serial killer character Seven, do you?

Studios sometimes abuse the term ‘beyond imagination’ as part of a movie’s ad campaign, as in “An Adventure Beyond Imagination!” (Disney used to do this a lot). It’s a meaningless oxymoron which sounds ominous, but makes no sense. No movie in history has ever been beyond imagination, because some screenwriter obviously imagined it.

Similarly, it’s almost insulting when studios tout their film is currently “The Number #1 Comedy in America!” after box-office numbers come in, conveniently leaving out the fact it was the only comedy released that week.

Speaking of which, why does the media continue to present weekend box office reports like movies are some kind of sporting event? Furthermore, why do so many people actually care? Once you've seen a movie and loved it (or hated it), does rooting for or against it's profitability affect your personal life in any way whatsoever?

If you have a bladder the size of a walnut, do everyone a big solid and pick an aisle seat next time you go to the movies.

I once bumped into an individual who hated Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino, indignantly declaring the entire film was racist, simply because its main character starts off that way. I know, in this day and age, we’re required to look for reasons to be offended, but if you’re blindly confusing racism-as-a-topic with racism-as-an-agenda, you should probably speak your mind a bit less.

"Is it ganja? Yah, yah, yaaaaah, yah!"
(Kitten Kudos if you know this reference)

On a related note, contrary to what conservative news groups, organizations and internet trolls have to say on the subject, Hollywood’s only ‘agenda’ is making as much money as possible. Does anyone really think George Lucas had some racist ideal when making Star Wars Episode I, simply because of the voices used for Jar Jar Binks and the Trade Federation? What exactly would he gain by instilling his so-called racism into a $100 million film (most of which was his own money)? Anyone who identifies Jar Jar and the Trade Federation as Jamaican or Asian stereotypes are actually displaying their own inherent racism. They're the ones who attached an accent to a particular culture, since none of these characters resembled any particular human race whatsoever. The only thing Lucas was ever guilty of was directing a shitty movie.

Speaking of which, we need to stop retro-condemning old movies made during a time when attitudes and values were far different than they are today, like self-righteous trolls bent on reassessing the actual worth of a movie like Gone with the Wind (a 75 year old film) from a 21st Century perspective. If you are unable to view a movie in the context of when it was made, you sure as hell have no business judging it.

It bothers me when people poo-poo a movie’s quality just because it depressed them. Not all stories are sunshine and lollipops. Any film which touches you emotionally - positively or negatively - has done its job and should be considered a good one, even if you don’t always like what you see. The only bad movies are those where you walk away feeling nothing.

A man on an iPod, watching a man on an iPod,
watching a man on an iPod, watching...
(even MORE Kitten Kudos if you know this reference)

I don’t care how awesome your phone or tablet is…a hand-held screen is no way to watch a movie. If you first saw 2001: A Space Odyssey on your iPad (the film ironically predicted the iPad), you still haven’t seen 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Unless you are a film critic paid for your opinion, or forced to accompany your children, paying to see a sequel to a movie you hated in the first place makes you a troll. Why else would spend good money for something like Transformers: Edge of Extinction unless your goal all along is to jump on the internet and rip it to shreds?

Unless your name is Mike, Joel, Tom Servo or Crow, your snide remarks during a movie aren’t funny, clever or even remotely welcome.

The cost of a single movie ticket is now more than I once paid for good seat to see Kiss at the height of their popularity. On a related note, the cost to take my wife and daughter to see Kiss in 2009 cost more than I paid for my first car.

The ridiculous price of concessions is not the theater’s fault. Place the blame on studios, who charge enormous sums for cinema chains to ‘rent’ a film. Studios take a majority of the box office profits during a movie's initial run. 90% of a theater’s income is from concessions, which is why they frown on people bringing their own snacks. The reason your ‘medium’ popcorn and ‘small’ soda are big enough to feed a small village is their way of compensating you for shelling out twelve dollars.