If I Had My Own TERMINATOR



Say hello to my little friend...

“Cool...my very own Terminator.”

                                        -John Conner

Ever since hearing that line in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, I’ve often thought about what I would do if I had my own killer cyborg programmed to obey my every command. Of course, being movie heroes, the Conner family used him to try and prevent a war which would exterminate mankind. ‘Tis a noble, selfless goal, and if I were in John’s shoes, I probably would have gotten around to saving the world, too...

...eventually. In the meantime, why not use this awesome, futuristic hunk of malevolent technology to make my own life a little easier? For example, if I had my own Terminator:


• That guy on the cell phone in the car ahead would be making his last call...ever.
• The divorce from my first wife would have been a lot quicker...and cheaper.
• The line at Starbucks would be shorter.
• "I'd like two Super Bowl tickets please, right on the fifty-year line, and I do not wish pay for them. No? Arnold...kill this man."
• I'd go to my next class reunion and finally exact revenge on that jock-douchebag who used to pick on me for no reason whatsoever.
• The two of us would pay the I.R.S. a visit and do a little audit of our own.
• I’d save a lot more than 15% on my car insurance.
• “Well, (insert car salesman’s name here), my offer for this 2013 Mustang is...lemme see...I got forty-three bucks in my wallet. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
• I’d ride 'bitch' on his Harley because I still don’t know how to ride a motorcycle.
• All my school loans would be immediately forgiven.
• Walgreens would accept my insurance card, even if I didn’t bring it with me.
• I could borrow his sunglasses whenever I lost mine (which is often).
• Those two slobbering pitbulls that my neighbor lets outside so they can bark all goddamn night? Dead.
• My own dog would stop pissing on the carpet by the front door...one way or another.
• “Mr. Limbaugh? I was wondering if you’d do me a solid and shut the fuck up for the rest of your hateful life. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
• Firefly wouldn't have been canceled.
• That lady in front of me at the check-out line with an envelope stuffed with coupons would wisely decide to redeem them another time.
• My kids would clean their rooms when told, not when they felt like it.
• “Yeah, I know I didn’t grab a Fast-Pass earlier, but I’d like to ride Splash Mountain right now, anyway. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
• As a professional educator who teaches in the real world, it pains me to say this, but some children would be left behind...permanently.
• I'd finally win an occasional argument with my wife (well, maybe...she is pretty scary when she‘s mad).
• He could have prevented Terminator: Salvation from being made.

"Put away all those coupons...ahhshole."