25 Things We Learn From The AIRPORT Franchise

I DON'T KNOW IF WE CAN SAVE THE
PASSENGERS, BUT WE SHOULD GET SOME
FIRECRACKERS AND BLOW THIS MODEL UP
ANYWAY.

1. Except for the first film, none of them really take place at an airport.

2. Airport’s casting director had an ironic sense of humor, hiring Dean Martin to play an airline pilot.

3. Linda Blair would be more endearing as the sickly girl in Airport 1975 if she was still possessed by Satan.

4. Concorde jets aren’t as fast as we think, because you can slide open a window and stick out your arm to fire a gun without getting it torn off at the shoulder.

UH, HONEY...IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS SOFT?

5. A woman simply cannot function or think for herself until her man comes to the rescue.

6. Jaws is not the first movie franchise where Universal Pictures simply stopped giving a fuck.

7. Airplane! is not the funniest disaster movie parody ever made. That title belongs to The Concorde - Airport ‘79.

8. No sane person in the real world wishes harm on children, but damned if you don't find yourself hoping the overly-obnoxious/sickeningly-sweet kids in these films would go down with the plane.

9. Jack Lemmon’s mustache makes him look like a used car salesman.

10. It's amazing how fast the weather changes in Airport 1975. One second it's cloudy, the next it's clear, then cloudy again. Night and day seem to come and go within minutes as well.



YUCK!

11. Joe Patroni is the only character to appear in all four movies, but he becomes more pathetic which each sequel. He’s a cigar-chomping badass in the first. By the fourth film he’s just a sad, widowed co-pilot whose friends pay hookers to have sex with him.

12. Truly advanced aircraft included the massive, tabletop version of Pong as entertainment.

13. If Lee Grant was your wife, you’d volunteer to put your life at-risk, too. Probably daily.

14. Airline pilots apparently have some kind of legal immunity from sexual harassment lawsuits.

15. No one will notice the smell of the fat joint you just fired-up in the plane’s tiny restroom, or the smoke billowing into the cabin when you open the door.

16. Bad guys like to wear disguises, even if the plot of the movie doesn’t really require them to have one.

17. By 1979, Avery Schreiber was one of the last white guys in the world still sporting a ‘fro.

THERE'S NOTHING IN AIRPORT 1975 AS
COOL AS THIS PICTURE.

18. There is no scene in Airport 1975 as awesome as the poster promoting it.

19. Offering to pay for your mistress’ abortion shows your sensitivity.

20. Unless they are Betty White (who was smart enough never to appear in an Airport movie), snarky, silly and feisty old people have never been, and never will be, oddly endearing, gruffly charming or remotely funny.

21. “They don’t call it a cockpit for nothing” might be the most sexist line of dialogue ever uttered in a PG-rated movie.

THERE ARE NO PROBLEMS SO GREAT
THAT A LITTLE BOOZE CAN'T FIX.

22. Helen Hayes won an Oscar for her performance in Airport, meaning their is hope for Kristen Stewart yet.

23. There is no one alive who can explain why John Davidson was ever famous.

24. We do not want to see Charo’s dog. We want to see Charo’s boobs.

25. Airport 1975 would have made an awesome video game for the Wii, had it existed back then...Put Chuck in the Cockpit!